Still Bitter That Sean Connery Gave Us The Red October

Last week I represented a couple in the sale of their coop - a sale that came 12 months after the first prospective buyer was presented to the board. This wasn't a case of a prestigious coop rejecting marginal applicants, nor was it a case of a mediocre apartment languishing in a declining market. Nope, my clients saw two highly qualified buyers rejected by the board because they ignored the golden rule of their building, only Russians need apply. The 100 unit building on Shore Terrace Road in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn is dominated by Russians and you better believe it's going to stay that way. Your buyers may be doctors, but they are unqualified to live here. And tell Clint Eastwood to give us back Firefox while you're at it

The first applicants rejected by the board, a successful Asian couple, were openly insulted at their interview, literally called liars by board members who did not believe their financial statements. Anyone can fake tax returns, believe us, we know. The second rejected applicant, a Ph.D, was tripped up because board members refused to accept proof of assets she owned abroad (she was from Italy). Facing the prospect of finding another buyer only to have him rejected a few months later, and stretched to their financial limits and worn down by the emotional strain of it all, my clients waived the red, white, and blue flag (of Russia) and conceded defeat. They hired a Russian broker recommended by a board member, a broker who happened to have just the right type of client in the market for just such a unit ...

I agreed to represent the sellers after their original lawyer quit. Quitting on your clients is kind of a big no no but I'm not sure that I blame him; he had already endured two rejected applicants and apparently the prospect of a third go round was more than he could take. He walked away without having gotten paid a penny for his troubles. This isn't the first time I've been involved in a situation where a coop seller finds himself prisoner to an arbitrary board. It's one of the deals you make with the devil when you buy a coop; living in a coop is usually fine, but selling can be a bitch. There are virtually no easy ways to deal with difficult boards. Boards don't have to reveal why they've rejected a buyer, and except for a sign in the interview room that says no ____________________ allowed (fill in the blank), it's just about impossible to challenge a board's actions. Absent the motivation that comes from a convincing threat to sue (breach of fiduciary duty, interference with contract), you have no choice but to find buyers your board will approve, no matter how unreasonable the requirement may be or how long it may take.

I Don't Believe ...

they were Drunk:

Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as fuck.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit.
Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes?
Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed.
Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.

--4 Train Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey

I'm Cheap, And A Drunk

Check out my new website. I probably should have hired a "pro" for a few hundred bucks but I'm cheap and besides, that money is better spent on booze so I did it myself. My total cost was $5, the cost of five stock photos from Big Stock Photo, the cheapest royalty free stock photo site I could find. A few late nights putting it all together and voila - I can literally feel the money rolling in. At a minimum, if googled by some old high school rival, the ruse that I am a successful lawyer will be slightly more believeable. In the unlikely event anyone is interested in the fine details, I created the site using Dreamweaver, edited and/or created the photo and graphic assets with Photoshop, hosted the site through Yahoo Small Business, and ftp'd the files with FileZilla.

I Use It Only For Self Defense

My climb towards geek blackbelt-dom continues. Last night I figured out how to use my Blackberry Pearl as a tethered modem to browse the web on my laptop. I achieved speeds of 175kbps, which is halfway between dial up and low speed broadband (truthfully, however, media rich sites seem to load significantly slower than with my broadband connection. I think the blackberry's internal capacity to move data through its USB port is limited). Why is this useful? Since I have an unlimited data plan with my cell provider, I now have an easy, effective, and cost free way to get online even when I'm somewhere without an internet connection; my mom's apartment in Buffalo, for example. The only requirement is a good cell signal. Pretty cool huh? If you have a pearl, use this link for instructions. And yes, this post was written and posted through my Pearl's connection. Holla.

More Like An Extra

I was recently invited to participate in Borough President Marty Markowitz's Lighten Up Brooklyn campaign. Imagining that some minor celebrity status might result from this act of public service - perhaps a few lines in the print campaign describing my inspirational fight against Doritos - I said sure. Sadly, there was room for only one star in the campaign, Soprano's actor and Brooklyn native, Joseph Gannascoli. Despite the presence of several reporters and photographers at the kick off event, these are the only photos of me that seem to have made the internets. I stood on stage in sweltering heat for this???? I'll be walking around Prospect Park at 10am this Sunday with Marty and other fat folks if anybody is interested.

The Da Vinci Code II, The Secret of Mona Lisa's Ass

More street art interpretations can be found here

Family

My brother and I were a touch anxious on the eve of visits from our mom, as well as uncle and aunt from Texas, for the 4th of July weekend. The thought of entertaining family, particularly mom, can be stressful. They arrived on separate flights Wednesday morning and along with their brother (my uncle), a Queens resident I only see when my mom is in town, they spent their first morning touring their old Bushwick Brooklyn neighborhood. Not content to merely pass through the old neighborhood, my mother somehow convinced the current resident of their old tenement (we're going back to 1958 here), to let them in to see how the place had changed - determination apparently, can move mountains and deadbolt locks. A family dinner later that night featured visits from yet another aunt and uncle, residents of the Poconos (my mom has 9 siblings), and thus the mini family reunion was on.

The plan for Thursday was to meet for lunch in the city, I made a reservation for us at Chimichurri Grill. Sadly, and for reasons other than my salivating taste buds, things took a turn for the hard to believe. My Texas uncle, Bo (seriously), called to inform us that my aunt had suffered a medical problem relating to her Multiple Sclerosis. A series of doctor calls and referrals later, and my aunt had been admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital. The issue was not so much that she was in severe distress but rather that treatment for outbreaks of the type she was experiencing needed to be administered immediately. Wanting to give my aunt and uncle room to breathe while they dealt with the turn of events, my brother, mother, and I had dinner that night in Brooklyn with a long lost cousin, my mom's nephew, who I had happened to run into by chance only weeks earlier.

On Friday, the 4th of July, we headed uptown to Mount Sinai. We gathered in my aunt's private room (she apparently has great coverage), and made the best of the situation. This is not how any of us expected to celebrate the 4th but we Puerto Ricans know how to survive in adversity, it's true. As the room filled up with Queens Uncle, Poconos Aunt and Uncle, Long Lost Cousin, my mom, brother and I, we decided to move the gathering to one of the interior courtyards of the hospital. While the sisters shared some quality time, the men scavenged the neighborhood for food and coffee. Despite the circumstances, we had a great time chatting and eating, taking over that courtyard like we owned the freakin' place.

For Saturday, Queens uncle had planned a big dinner at his place. It would only work, however, if Uncle Bo could convince the doctors at Mount Sinai to let my aunt self administer the last two cycles of her treatment. While we awaited word, the family reassembled at the hospital. Food and drink in the courtyard was once again had. Once we knew permission to leave that evening had been granted, the bulk of us went to Queens to help with preparations for the feast. Later that evening, and despite the complete lack of alcohol - only my brother Dennis and I drink - the dinner was a smashing success, ending at 2am only because folks were flying out early that morning.

Despite the fact that most of the holiday weekend was spent in a hospital, I had a really great time. We caught up, ate, teased each other, played Dominos, ate some more, survived, and laughed a lot. We didn't dine at any great restaurants, shop at any fine stores, or experience any great arts, yet somehow we parted with huge smiles on our faces. Much like that two bedroom apartment in Bushwick shared by my mom and her 9 siblings, it was a weekend, tough though it may have seemed, that I will gladly revisit in my memory years from now. La lucha, it binds us.

You Sir, Make A Mockery of Discretion

I took this photo at the Starbucks near my job. WTF? Besides the impressive number of cards, (judging from the holographic emblems, I count 18), the audacity of displaying them so. Maybe he's in default on all of them and no longer cares about keeping them private? Lucky for him my camera phone zoom sucks.

I See What You Did There

Courtesy of Media Matters:

In response to a NY Times report of declining market share for Fox News, Fox decided to attack the reporters of the story by Uncle Festering them. On the left actual photos of the reporters in question, on the right screenshots of the images Fox used.